I have been contemplating the idea of whether or not a pastor serving a church in an itinerant system ever truly feels like an insider, if so at what point? Or maybe as a pastor anywhere you never feel like an insider, maybe you shouldn't want to feel like an insider because insiders tend to lose their vision and their ability to be objective about the community of faith they are a part of. Still wrestling this one. I think it's a matter of trust.
It's hard to be an outsider and to think of living this way for an extended period of time.It's hard to imagine, never getting to a place of true familiarity or friendship. I am reminded of a story from Barbara Brown Taylor's "Leaving Church" that I read the summer before I started seminary that made my heart ache and brought me to tears. She describes the time when she had decided to leave the pastorate and the barbeque she had been to again and again for years serving the church she served. She was always kept at arm's length never quite let in. And then that evening prior to her last days at the church the barbeque got raucus, people started pushing people in the pool and she got pushed in too. She describes wondering if anyone would dare touch her, bump up against her, come close, or if she was still "untouchable" to be held at a distance.
There is something I try to be clear about that most people just can't get, this calling. It is not something that I chose. I never dreamed of being a pastor or a preacher. I never thought "that is what I want to be when I grow up." Far from it. But here I am. I am where I am doing what I am doing because of God's call, His amazing grace, and my obedience. That is what I chose, obedience. This choice has had many consequences. My family has incurred debt from my seminary education that we continue to pay off. We have moved from a home we own (praying we could rent it because we could not sell it) to a home we did not choose. My kids are in a fish bowl with things expected of them and judgments made about them, about my parenting, etc. and they don't the luxury of getting to be regular, normal kids.
My husband gets the great honor of being a pastor's husband, ha! We somehow lived through 3 1/2 years of seminary (a Master's of Divinity is no average Masters degree) and I remember laying face down on the bed crying to Marten that I wanted to give up so many times and yet something within me would not let me. I have had people, men and women, question this call because I am a woman and it baffles me. If I was not sure, why would I bother with the hardship and the heartache? The denomination I serve has been ordaining women as long as I have been alive on this planet and still we are questioned, seen as unfit as "senior pastors" and actually have people refuse to take communion from us.
Given all of the sacrifice and heartache we have lived through the most hurtful thing I have experienced is the questioning; questioning of my calling, my authority as a pastor/preacher, the suggestion that I could ever or would ever intentionally do or say something to cause harm or hurt for someone(s) else is most difficult. It's a matter of character and personal integrity. I don't know how much more I can prove my intent or my character or that I am trustworthy, than to lay down my life, the life I thought I would have, for the one God called me to.
The bottom line is this. The same God that called me is the one who gives me authority. I am blessed to serve Him by serving His church. It is literally impossible for me to do anything else. He is the great healer. He has redeemed the hurts again and again and I have faith he will continue to do so. To Him be the glory. Amen
