Hhhhmmmmmm...

I don't know what to write, but feel the need to write something. It has been a busy week with Monday at the counseling center for didactics then to the hospital for clinical time with patients and families. Tuesday was my personal chef thing and then to the hospital for more clinical time. Today was a cook and freeze session, then meeting at the church and work for my internship. Tomorrow a birthday party and cleaning out my office...my classes start back up next week, my second Greek and UM Polity and Discipline. I cleaned my office after to school was out and it stayed clean for awhile, and then things started piling up again. I guess life is kind of like that sometimes too!
I work my second on call shift Friday night at the hospital, so I am pretty much resigned to some calls to emergency and maybe to a trauma, arghhhhh. If you are reading this before then, pray for me. Pray that all that responds to those calls has nothing to do with me and everything to do with God!

Grief, loss, despair, an opportunity or a stumbling block?

Death, grief, loss, despair, all difficult parts of being human. These are times that can bring us to our knees before God holding on to Him with all we are or they can send us running in the opposite direction. What causes us to turn one way or the other? Lots of things...
Well I find myself in the midst of many people facing some of the most difficult times in their lives. Their children are sick, possibly dying, being diagnosed with what may as well be a death sentence, how do you assure someone of God's love and presence in that? I am perplexed as to the questions of if God created this baby and purposed it life why is it dying in a NICU having undergone surgery after birth and never going home to the nursery that was prepared with love and hope filled expectation? How can I assure when I don't know myself? I mean, I understand why there is evil in the world and I can reconcile that with a wholly good and omnipotent God but why would a baby be born this way?
I went to a funeral a few weeks ago. One of the pastors at the service did something he said he doesn't normally do, he spoke about Jesus, salvation, and offered to pray for and with those who have not given their lives to him. I thought to myself, "why, funerals are a huge opportunity to reach people who might never step foot in a church or any other faith environment ever, why wouldn't you do this at every funeral?" I have also thought in these last weeks that I find myself in a similar place. I have the opportunity to speak to people about God and pray with them and share His love that might not ever know any of this. I am meeting these people at a very difficult, very vulnerable time in their lives when they have very big questions. How do I do this? How can I share God's love so that they will run to Him and not run away?
I know our Savior was a man of many sorrows, familiar with suffering, many of these people don't, and even those that do see their innocent children suffering and ask WHY?
I'd LOVE your feedback!

Where do I begin?

I have been pondering soooo many things lately and God has been speaking to me about so much and putting many challenges and opportunities in front of me. I guess the trick is to see the challenges as opportunities...a chance to do something differently or become better at something or try something I never have before, that if not challenged I would never have the opportunity to do! That's the point I came to in the seemingly continuous stream of "challenges" since saying "yes" to God and His call...hhmmm...I guess this all goes along with the popular cliche that God does not close a door without opening another...sometimes it takes awhile to realize where that door is or what you thought was a rug or a lamp is actually a door...right there all along!
Honestly I do not think I can rein in my thoughts enough to stick to one topic. What's been on my mind and in my heart? Disipleship, relationship, loss, grief, how the hardest times in our lives can bring us to our knees begging for God or can send us running down the road in the other direction, community, how much we all need each other, how we can never truly know who we are or who God created us to be unless we give ourselves away to others, until we become vulnerable...no man/woman is an island.
Ariana, my 10 year old was talking about what she wanted to be when she grows up the other day. She does this often as do most children. I don't remember talking about it much myself. I never had big aspirations to be anything in particular. What I was thinking was however is that I never dreamed, no that is not the word, I never even thought about doing what I am doing now. It was not within my realm of understanding. Seminary? What's that? Chaplaincy? Are you kidding? Why would I want to do that? I keep looking around and wondering how I got here, nothing was calculated, nothing planned, just total abandon, totally relinquishing control. You can only beg God for so long to use you and fill you with His Spirit before He starts taking you up on the offer! Whenever I try to take control back He reminds me that I am incapable and am so much better off with Him in control. Amen and amen.
I'll try to rein something in and focus next time...

Wow, what a week!

The last week has been a challenging one. You're probably beginning to wonder when I am not challenged! I spent the week getting oriented to Scottish Rite as an organization and then in the capacity of chaplaincy intern. For the next 5 months I will be doing a chaplaincy internship, supporting and ministering to the families and children that find themselves at Scottish Rite. I would be lying if I said I am not overwhelmed by this latest task that God has put before me. I am incredibly humbled by the place I find myself in. I keep looking around and wondering to myself, "How did I get here? How am I going to get through the next five months? How can I stand beside a parent who's child is dying or in excrutiating pain, and be the steady calm?" I have already seen and heard stories about horrible things. I already have a new, incredibly huge, appreciation for all who care for these children and families. My answer is to beg God to erase any part of me and replace it with all of Him. That when I speak the words will be His and not mine. That when I pray I will be filled with the Spirit. That when I am present with these families in pain and uncertainty, God's love and presence will be felt. That when what I see and hear makes me feel weak, He will strengthen me.....and so much more. I want to be His light and His love in the dark, frightening places these families will be facing. Pray that it is so.
I will share stories as I am able. Thank you for your prayers in order to persevere through this experience while continuing classes, my part time job, an internship, and of course being a wife and mother!

Homeless and hungry....

So, I did something without giving it much thought today. As I was leaving training for Scottish Rite there was a homeless man standing with a sign at the light. His sign said "homeless and hungry". Having just reached into my bag and pulled out an energy bar (homemade I might add :) ) and brushed up against an apple, I rolled down my window and said, "I have an apple, would you like it?" The kind man walked up to my window and said, "thank you, yes, how is your new year getting started, how are you?" I told him I was good but that my husband had lost his job. He shook his head and said he hoped Obama could do something and feared the world might be coming to an end. He then said he thought God might just be angry and fed up. I said "amen to that". But i also countered with the fact that maybe it was just a good wake up call for everyone. He said many mornings he woke up and told God he would be better off up in heaven with God, not here. He told me how some people had offered him a place to sleep and how he had heard about a place in Toccoa that might help him get a fresh start. I told him about Trinity and the soup kitchen and the ministry that they have there for men that was similar to what he was describing. He told me he had been married a long time but now he was divorced and felt very alone. I said, "well if you know the Lord you are never alone." He said, "I know the Lord, I know the Lord." The light changed and he said God bless you and I said the same and drove off.
In hindsight I wished I had told him that yes heaven would certainly be better but that God had plans for him here. That if he does indeed know the Lord, that it is his job to tell people about him and live out the love he has found only in him. I should have assured him that his life has meaning and purpose. It also made me think about a class I took last semester. The topic for the class was the problem of evil. How can God be wholly good and omnipotent, and evil still exist? Well, this was discussed for the entire semester so I can't put it all in a little box for you, but one conclusion I came to was that without any suffering in the world there would be no reason for compassion. What would move people to act? There are many people that are just now beginning to experience hardship they have never known. Some will for longer periods than others. Over time however this experience will allow many to feel compassion that was never possible without their own lack or the lack of others.
Just something to think about.
I am thinking about going back to talk to that man.

New Year, New Beginnings and Relationship

Happy New Year! It's the time of year when many of us resolve to do something differently or better. Some of us might resolve to spend more time in prayer or study, eating better, or exercising.
God the Father offered us an incredible opportunity for a new beginning when He sent His Son to live, and walk, and teach on the earth, and ultimately to die for our sins, the perfect sacrifice in order to restore us to relationship with God. Jesus told his disciples that he had to leave them but when he did the Great Counselor would come, the Holy Spirit. The cleansing of mankind enabled the Spirit to dwell in each of us if we only extend the invitation. None of us is worthy, not one, without the perfect sacrifice that restored us to the place of possible relationship. God loves us so much, but he does not force Himself upon us. We must choose Him. When we do, the next step is relationship. Just like any relationship it takes commitment, time, energy, and intention. God already knows every single thing about each and every one of us. He did, after all, create us. The question is how well do we know Him?
The best way to do this is to read His Word, spend time in prayer, study, and in fellowship with other believers. How are we to know or recognize His voice if we are not familiar with His Word and His work in the lives of other believers?
One of the music groups I have been listening to lately has a song called "I Will Possess Your Heart". Click on the YOUTube screen on the right and you can listen for yourself! It's all about what it takes for relationship but it brings to my mind how God wants us to invest our time in order to build our relationship with Him. As a result, He will possess your heart, if only you take the time, that, I am certain of!