Confessions of a Female Pastor

Marten (my husband) had to work today. He has to work a lot of Sundays. I got up early before the girls like I do every morning. I had my "quiet time" study, prayer, meditation. I went over my sermon...then I got the girls up, made their breakfast, made sure they were dressed appropriately,hair brushed, eating, before I finally started getting ready myslef. My oldest shortly parked herself on my bed right outside my bathroom door where I was putting on my makeup. "The computer has a virus, there is something on the screen and...," she said. I just wanted to get ready. I just wanted to be in "the zone" to prepare for my pastoral duties, to deliver the sermon, to...She went on. She sat there. I think she actually expected me to go figure out what was going on, or fix it, or I don't know. I just wanted to get ready. I just wanted to be in "the zone". I told her I had no time and to please leave my room so I could get ready.
I am certain that male pastors do not have to handle these Sunday morning responsibilities. Their wonderful wives are dressing and feeding their children. Their wives are stopping the fights and the bickering. THEY are in "the zone". These male pastors have probably been handed a cup of coffee by their wife. They might not even have ironed the shirt they are wearing.
I get to church. I have the kids in tow. I start giving them instructions before we walk in. "When we get there please do this and go do that for mommy." The youngest always interrupts conversations. She is asking permission to do something or go somewhere. I'm just trying to be the pastor and she just sees mommy.
I'm trying to figure this out. It's pretty much the same after the benediction when I am speaking to folks as they leave. The kids are there, the younger one asking questions and wanting my attention. Yes, Marten and I have both spoken to her, but it continues.
We are all getting used to this. ALL of us. I pray that those I serve will see that in order for me to be a better pastor they might have to help me to be a better wife and mother...whatever that might look like.

Who are the people of God?

I have been going through some of my work over the last 3 1/2 years and found this and enjoyed it. I thought you might too...

Who are the people of God?
What have we been called to do?
Why are we set apart? He alone makes all things new.
How do we share the love of Christ?
So each one will know and feel
That they are part of His great story and invited to the meal of meals.
One tree does not a forest make,
Community is key for Kingdom’s sake.
The incarnation of His love
We will go where he sends.
Together we will live and work and plan
For revolution and renewal and redemption.
We will go to them.
We will sacrifice.
Long-suffering servants of Jesus Christ.
With zeal and passion that cannot be touched
By anyone or thing besides Him who lives in us.
Knowing their hearts, as He does so well,
We will build relationships and then we will tell,
Of all He has done and all He will do
And how wide and how deep is his love for me and you.
We will love into the Kingdom by the power of the Holy Spirit,
A trumpet is blowing, can you just hear it?

The Ramblings of a Mad Woman

Tomorrow is the first Sunday in Advent, the season of preparation leading up to Christmas. I have spent the last 3 and 1/2 years in my own season of preparation in seminary and in two short weeks I will be done. (Yahoo) It has been a ridiculous ride. I am amazed at what God has done, nothing short of miraculous. I honestly still can't fully grasp why He invited me on this journey, except to say I asked for Him to use me daily and this is what He called me to do.

I have grown to know myself far better over these years because I have grown to know my Creator far better, and who knows me better than that? I have come to more fully understand how faithful our God is and how much He loves us because I have come to the absolute end of myself over and over. Time and again when I have felt inadequate and incapable God has showed up in amazing ways. I long to tell everyone what I know about God. His goodness is so great that it bubbles up inside me to the point I feel my heart might break. Where do I even begin? How? I know how, I do, but it is so incredibly overwhelming.

I don't know that I will ever be fully "prepared" but I do know I serve a God that blesses obedience, not in ways I would imagine but in ways that are far greater.

I may ramble, but as Paul says in his second letter to the Corinthians, if I am out of my mind it is for the sake of God and if I am in my right mind it is for you.

Permission to Speak Freely

Author Anne Jackson wrote a book by the same name as my title after posting something on her own blog about confession and transparency. Her beef was much the same as my own. The church is supposed to be a place that ministers to the most broken people right? I mean the church is the Body of Christ and Christ's living example was one that was regularly among the sinners, the tax collectors, the prostitutes,the blind, the deaf, the sick, the lame. The church should be a place where we call it like it is, where we can let our guard down, and love each other just like God loves us.

What are you afraid to say in church? Who are you afraid to be? I heard someone say recently that we make our Sunday worship and our small group meetings like the Christian Prom. We all dress up and have our nicest manners and exchange the usual pleasantries, but are we real, vulnerable, human beings? See if we continue to perpetuate the myth that we are these people that have it all together without a care in the world then those who would never darken the door won't. They have some misconstrued idea that they have to have it all together to be a part of such a community of people. In fact if we are each transparent about our own brokenness, frailties, temptations, other real people might want to be a part of that, but it starts with us. Someone has to go first. I confess my own ideas about who I had to be and how I had to be kept me away from any church for a long time. I thought I had to be a certain way, know the books of the Bible and where to find them, recite the Apostles Creed from memory, wear certain clothes....no wonder people don't want to come to church. Is that what it is all about?

The good news is we can all be real with each other, phew what a relief, and have the assurance that because we call Jesus Lord all that junk doesn't matter, whether it happened years ago or you are still struggling today. We can come to Jesus and come together and find real healing, and redemption, and restoration. We are all in process, in life, and relationships, in growing closer to God,in becoming a new creation because of what God has done through Jesus and by the power of the Holy Spirit.

So, who's going first?

God loves...

I had one of those moments today, you know the kind when you finally get something? God is so amazing the way He teaches us things, but we have to be tuned in to be taught, our ear has got to be inclined to hear. I confess I have been moving at a pace that I do not wish to maintain and at times it is a detriment to that hearing. Though my morning meetings with God are being kept, many days have a way of escaping me before I remember to breathe deeply.

There are so many people in my life that deserve more of my time, me included :) but I was thinking of one in particular today. She kind of flies under the radar. I'm not sure if she really doesn't want to be known or if she is in fear of some sort of judgment for who she is. I know things about her she probably doesn't realize that I know while I am certain others in her life don't know. I used to fear that if "they" found out they might judge, and I would quell this fear with the thought that if they spent enough time with her they would love her so much that even if she was completely exposed, it wouldn't matter. I caught myself here, because I have made my own judgments and came to the DUH! conclusion, that God knows every hair on her head, He knows everything about her, and still He loves, He loves. Nothing can separate us from that love. Nothing.

Romans 8:38 For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,[a] neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 39 neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Amen, thank you Jesus!

My Heart

Why am I doing what I am doing? Why when I have a degree in Mass Communications, experience managing and leading people from twice my age to half my age, a culinary arts degree and great paying job where I can set my own hours, two kids, more than enough to keep me busy, why am I in seminary? Why am I pastoring a church with as many opportunities as challenges? Why?

The biggest reason is my love for Jesus and the life I am afforded because of his life, death, and resurrection. See I spent the greater part of my life so caught up in the world I saw around me and all it told me about who I was and what I was worth and what I should value. Then I met Jesus and all that got turned upside down. Don't get me wrong, I went to church. I had heard about Jesus, but it wasn't until I was 30 years old that I had an encounter with Jesus. I wonder how many people are sitting in churches every week that still don't know who Jesus is. that grieves me.

I found out that what God saw in me was far different from the world. He calls me his precious child and has shown me who I really am. Who better to do that than my creator? Because of God's love for me I have been set free from all of that stuff that kept me believing I had to work to be good enough. Everything I do is just a response to that. Everything I do is about showing and telling others about that freedom and about that love and grace.

At the end of the day I have to say I am doing what I am doing because God called and I answered. I could never have gotten to where I am on this journey without that call. I would never have signed up for this path, BUT it is pretty awesome to commune with the creator, to hear and be heard, to be called, and to respond. I want everyone to know that such a relationship is possible for them. I know it sounds crazy right? I know God, we talk, daily. He hears me when I pray. How awesome is that?

Children and the Kingdom of God

Children are our future. That is the simple truth. Like so many things in this country our care for our children is all over the place. Some children have everything they could possibly ever need or want to the point that they don't even appreciate a bit of it while others live on the street or in little more than a shack all but thrown away by society. Some have two parents that live in the same home, but statistically more or more do not, while some will never know their fathers at all. Regardless of the situation these children are the future of our country, of our world, and of the Church. How are we reaching them with the love of Christ in each of their situations?

I met some people last week that are going to great lengths to reach children with the gospel from suburbia to project housing they are doing whatever it takes and it is changing lives of those both young and old and it is changing churches and it is changing the shape of our future one child at a time.

It is so awesome to watch someone so committed to the calling God has placed on their lives. This is not something they set out to do, yet in the midst of growing in their relationship with God, and in the midst of living in obedience, this new opportunity presented itself. It wasn't an easy decision. It meant walking away from a nice stable job and stepping into the unknown. Wow how they have blessed others and they have been blessed in return!

Is there anything risky that God is calling you to?

Conduct Unbecoming

I confess. I don't know how to "be" a pastor. Well maybe that is not all true. There are a lot of connotations that come along with the title pastor and I don't fit many of them. I have blogged before about the fact that I do not desire, ever, to possess the "pastoral mystique", you know, that untouchable, unapproachable aura. Oops I used the word aura and pastor in the same sentence. See what I mean?

I make faces from the pulpit. I wave to my kids, blow kisses and wrinkle my nose when I don't approve of their behavior, well not during the sermon, but during worship nevertheless. I can't sing worth a lick except in the car by myself. Put a microphone in front of my face while I am singing and you will be sorry! Really! My reportoire of hymns is minimal at best. I know far more contemporary worship songs. I have yet to master my preacher voice or prayer voice. I should have one right?

I don't know how to guard my reaction when someone says something hurtful to me about myself or my family (people forget you are a human being somehow).

I don't know how to not weep openly for the dullness of hearts and ears to the gospel message when I encounter people who call Christ their savior and crucify him over and over again with their actions.

I don't fit a lot of people's ideas of what/who a pastor is, at least by appearances.
What picture do you paint when you think of who/what a pastor is? I'm clumsily trying to figure it out.

One more time...

Tomorrow is the first day of my last semester of seminary. On December 10 I will graduate with my Masters of Divinity. It has been quite the journey over the last 3 years. For those of you who do not know an MDIV is not your regular master's degree. An MDIV at Asbury actually requires 96 credit hours, to my knowledge the highest requirement for any seminary in the country. Anyway...

God has amazed me with His faithfulness over the four years since He called me to this journey. Just recalling it all brings me close to tears. I remembered sensing that this was in His plan and literally sneaking to look online at seminary websites, thinking I had to be out of my mind to think Marten would ever go along with this. Bottom line is I thought God was a little crazy to think this could ever happen, work, etc. I mean didn't He know who I was? I am so not worthy, so inadequate and incapable, and sinner, well, I am one of the greatest. And then there was the fact that I was mom to two little girls. Sierra was 3 and Ariana was 7. Oh and then there was the fact that Marten had already supported my going back to school once, how could I dare to ask for that again? And then there was the fact that Marten had been a believer all of a year and a half. HA! Like he would go for being a pastor's husband! God had to be completely out of His mind to call me to this! And then there was the money. How on earth were we supposed to afford $4000+ a semester?

Well it is four years since God called, so clearly, it was absolutely undeniable, I answered against all odds, started 9 months later, and here I am. There is a whole lot more to that story. It has certainly not been happy trails and smooth sailing. We have weathered two job losses for Marten, major health problems, surgery, hospitalization, concerns with Ariana, a myriad of financial challenges, heartbreaks, disappointments, amazing mission trips to Mexico and Jordan, a wedding, two funerals, so many new kinds of normal, so much more.

God is sooooo amazing. I know He can do far more than we can ever ask or imagine. I know God is faithful. I know His plans and purposes will be fulfilled we need only open ourselves to the possibilities and be His ready instruments. I know God provides. I have seen it time and again when things seemed absolutely impossible.

I confess I am tired! I have gone straight through,no breaks, every semester, mini semester, summer, etc. Along with two part time jobs, two little girls, and a husband that has been neglected more than I care to admit. It has been exhilarating and exhausting. So many highs and lows. I have learned so much,not all in books, a lot about myself, others, but mostly about my God.

So, onward. I see a light at the end of the tunnel! Big giant thank yous to all of my prayer warriors (don't stop now), to my encouragers, and those who for some reason see something in me I do not see in myself. I could not have done it without every single one of you. Consider this your invitation to the impending birth. One of the biggest labors of love is about to be born!

"Glory Days"

Ahhh, the good ole days. We all have those tucked away in our memory banks, don't we? I love to remember my days as a cheerleader, homecoming princess, dancer, college journalist, etc. I was thinking about this the other day in light of a class I am taking and after a conversation I had with someone, that I confess led me to judgment of their wishes and understandings.

The Church is declining at a rapid pace and more and more doors are closing. Why? Unfortunately many are not meeting the people of their communities where they are. Times change, communities change, and contexts change. What was once a predominately wealthy upper middle class anglo community might today be much different. I learned about a church in Texas that a fellow classmate is a part of that has met the changes in their community with changes within the church. Unlike the many others that are still living the way they were, trying to do business as usual, in a brave new world and missing the boat all together, this church has responded to a changing community by changing. This church in Texas was planted in a predominately anglo, middle class urban area. They saw the church begin to decline as the demographics began to change over the years. Instead of trying to do business as usual they started a latino ministry to reach the growing latino population around them. This separate congregation would join the anglo church for special events such as baptisms, world communion Sunday, etc. They all were so encouraged and blessed by one another when they met together that they have worked to combine and now have a fully bilingual service. They sing and preach and worship in Spanish and English all together and the result has seen them grow exponentially in making disciples for Jesus Christ. Talk about a sign and a foretaste of the kingdom! Check them out here http://www.houstonvineyard.org/first_time.html

The biggest mistake we make in the church is looking back at the glory days instead of looking forward at future glory and how we are reaching and ministering to those in our midstin Jesus' name. Just because you have always done something one way does not mean you should continue to. Perspective is gained when we look outside our stained glass windows at the world outside and ask how is the church meeting the people outside the door on the street? True incarnational ministry models the example of Christ and meets people where they are, not where we are. We have to listen and understand what the hurts and hopes are in our community. We have to look for God's hand already at work and partner with Him to bring reconciliation and restoration. We have to be responsible stewards of the time and place and resources that God has given us to live and move and breathe in.

I read something the other day that has stuck with me. It was something to the effect that for a church to remain the same and thrive it would have to be in constant change. Makes a world of sense to me!

I believe the glory days are yet to be!

Leading Change

I am feverishly reading an additional five+ books for the class I finished last week. The class is "Leading Change" and addresses organizational and leadership transitions and how to navigate and lead them effectively. In life and in the church we often get comfortable with routines and ways of doing things, so much so that we stop noticing things we might have noticed before.

When I was getting ready this morning I opened the drawer in my bathroom that holds my makeup and brush. My 7 year old came in asking if she could use my eyelash curler. I almost warned her to hold the drawer carefully when she opened it, if she didn't it would fall out, but she already knew. I remembered when it first broke. I made the adjustment, tightened the screw, and it held for a day, but the screw had stripped the wood and the bracket that held it in place would not stay attached. I think I fixed it one more time and it held for a day, then broke again. I am ashamed to admit that was probably 2 years ago. I have gotten used to holding it in place. I don't even notice or think about it any more...well until today. It bothered me that my acceptance had led to the acceptance of my daughter. When had it become routine?

We are like this with a lot of things in life and unfortunately the church seems just as likely to succumb to acceptance of how things are instead of working for changes that can mean transforming lives. We grow dull as time passes and accept things as they are rather than stepping back to change or fix what is not working.

Sometimes seeing things clearly takes seeing through the eyes of someone else, hearing the perspective of others, and making the necessary...GASP...changes.

Asbury Theological Seminary

I have spent the week on campus at ATS for a summer intensive. Man I love this place! One day after 8 hours in the class room I headed over to the library and found my favorite spot on the third floor. There are 6 awesomely comfy chairs that face out over the courtyard that contains a large statue of John Wesley across which is one of the many chapels at Asbury. My heart beat a bit faster as I started to recall my first time on campus when I felt so out of place. Thinking back to that time I remembering looking around as if it wasn't real, not fully knowing how I had gotten here or what I thought I was doing.

I have experienced much the same feeling over and over again over the last years. All I know is God called, I answered, and again and again I have found myself in places and positions I never thought I would. That he would stake his name on me, such an inadequate ill-equipped sinner as me is mindboggling. The things God has put on my plate and called me to next are astounding. I want so desperately to be His instrument, to abide in Him, to hear His voice, and to live into His purposes and plans.

I am so ready to graduate in just 4 and 1/2 months, but I will miss this place desperately! I will miss being surrounded by people 100% sold out for Jesus, who are following him with their lives, leaving home, and family, and country of origin. I will miss hearing the whispered prayers and praises of those hungry for God surrounding me. I will miss the incredible uplifted voices praising God through song in our chapel services. I will miss the awesome men and women who really know what it is like to be in this skin, one called to lead, one who has been called to something so weighty as preaching and teaching the word of the Creator of the universe, binding up the broken hearted and setting captives free. I have heard people from all over the world and people from other seminaries come here and say that there is just something about this place. It is holy. God's Spirit is unmistakeably present and palpable. A doctoral student (from another denominaton) shared in class this morning that he came to Asbury initially because it was close and convenient but he was not prepared for what he found when he got here. He has been amazed by the presence of the Spirit, the biblical teaching, the strong academic emphasis, and the core of this institution, whose mission is to spread scriptural holiness across the land.

I will be so proud that my MDIV is from ATS!

Together is better

The church I pastor has suffered a tragic loss this last week. It has been a faith shaking experience for many. It has been trial by fire for me only 3 weeks into this, my first appointment. It has been hard to see the pain and the hurt, to be present in it, and to somehow offer hope. This is certainly not the first time and I know it will not be the last. Most of my experience with this before however was with folks I hardly knew while I was working in chaplaincy in the hospital. I hardly knew them and I would never see them again once they left the hospital. I now find myself in different circumstances. I am starting to get to know these people and they me. In the last few weeks I have been surprised, disappointed, frustrated, excited, impatient, and so much more, but what I have seen in these last days since learning of this loss has been remarkable. It has made me so proud. It has broken my heart and filled it up to over flowing all at the same time. It has made me adore all of them for so many reasons. I am so proud to be the pastor of such a remarkable group of people. It is amazing what they have been able to do together, even those who fuss about each other any other day of the week :)
God is so blessed when we work together in love. Together is so much better.
Eccl 4:9-12

Stepping out and risking...

I went to the dentist yesterday. I really don't like the dentist. I have spent more than my share of time in the dentist's chair. As a kid I had four baby teeth and four permanent teeth pulled before I could get into braces. After 3 years of those I had a retainer and then all four of my wisdom teeth removed. I have always gone for cleanings regularly, but that changed a couple of years ago. I know gross, right? Anyway, I broke a tooth and had to have my first crown about three years ago. It was awful. I felt like a big baby. I did not want to go back, rescheduled my next cleaning when the time came, and then cancelled it. Last Friday night while eating pizza of all things, something broke. I wasn't sure if I lost part of a filling or part of a tooth it was so far back. Come Monday I hesitantly called the dentist to schedule an appointment.
They saw me that afternoon and sure enough I had cracked a tooth and part of a filling adjacent. UGH! I took a deep breath, the dentist assured me they would make me comfortable, and the drilling began! Thankfully it was a much better experience than the first time. Then I really felt silly.
As I drove off I started thinking about how in life we are sometimes hurt and that hurt keeps us from opening up again. Instead we guard ourselves, afraid to risk getting hurt again even when new people and new circumstances present themselves. I talked about this a bit in my sermon Sunday. The hurts we suffer in life, of our own making or as the result of others can keep us down if we let them, but that is not what God intends. God intends to redeem all of creation, including our experiences. Because of what God has done in Jesus we have been set free. We no longer have to live in guilt and shame. It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Those bad experiences can stay bad expereinces or we can use them to help others. We can turn our trash into treasure. There is a special kind of credibility that comes from someone who can come alongside someone else who is now in the midst of similar challenges or circumstances. But it doesn't even have to correlate. Whatever the battle, the scars, we can choose to persevere in God's strength instead of in guilt and shame, hiding in our cocoon.
It can feel risky, but the rewards are immeasurable! Don't let fear win. Fear is not from God but from the enemy of God!

Taking a walk...

So tonight I finally went walking again. It has been months and I missed it. I stopped when my sweet dog started getting sick back at the beginning of Spring. I just couldn't bring myself to go walking without her. She loved it so much. She would get so excited and bark and dance around when I would get the leash out. When she started to get sick she just didn't have it in her to walk much more than out to the street and to the next door neighbors. It broke my heart. This was a dog that loved to play fetch and would literally wear anyone out that would start playing with her. It was so hard to see that life fade away. I felt like it would just not be fair to go walking, for her to know I was going, and not be able to take her.
We finally had to put her to sleep three weeks ago.

It was a nice evening. There was a little breeze, the sun was going down, and I just walked and walked and walked. I lost track of how far. It was like I was making up for lost time. I thought about people with loved ones close to them that are sick or unable to care for themselves and the sacrifices they make to care for them. I thought about putting life on hold. I marveled again at the strength of the human spirit that God has given to each of us, remembering what I had witnessed while working in chaplaincy. Truly amazing!

I got a text from someone going through some hard stuff in life tonight. They are struggling to be strong in their faith and to persevere. I reminded them that even though it may not feel like it, God is there. They are not alone and they will wake up tomorrow and it will be another day full of opportunities. That is so hard to see when we are in the midst of it. We must remind one another! As brothers and sisters we are called to carry the burdens of others. To exhort and uplift, that the road might not be so difficult. God has not only given us an amazing spirit to persevere, God has given us to one another. How has God seen you through some tough times in your own life through the love and care of others? Who has God placed in your life that need your love and care to know that God is there? That God is real?

1 John 4:12
No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us.

Who's Your Daddy?

It seems like I have used that title for another post before...uh..oh well. So much for originality.
I posted a link on Facebook tonight to an article about being fatherless. Check it out here
http://www.relevantmagazine.com/life/relationship/features/21970-fatherless-day
It goes into detail about how the epidemic of fatherlessness is having far reaching effects. So many children are growing up without fathers in the home that many don't think having one or being one is of any importance. Wow.
Throughout my time in the Church I have had people say repeatedly that we need to be careful about how we talk about God as Father, because may people have negative connotations due to their own relationship with their dad and that may carry over. Ok, maybe. But until reading this I had not considered something even more far reaching. Is the epidemic of fatherlessness somehow connected to the decline of the Church? Have the many that been raised without a father been convinced that they don't need one? never did? Perhaps similarly they don't think they need a Father in heaven. If we can make the connection of bad relationships with dad to negative connotations about God as Father why not the lack of a father to the conscious decision to not seek a relationship with God the Father?
We do need our fathers. Statistically children are much more stable and well adjusted in a two parent home. As a woman many of us buy into the lie, that's right I said lie, that we can do it all. Some women have to. I do get that. But often times we sell short the difference a father or even a father figure can make in a child's life. There is a lot more to say about this! Talk to me!

Women in ministry, what's a man to do?

I originally posted this last August. Although the church has been ordaining women for more than half a century now, some still do not quite know what to do with a female pastor/preacher. I thought this deserved a repost :)
Lest you think I am about to launch into some biblical exegesis on what Paul had to say about women in leadership in the church, fear not. That is not what this is about. And just so you know if I believed that what I was doing was counter to God and His word I would not be doing it. And just so you know, having learned, survived, and persevered through what I have in the last 3 years I would have to be absolutely crazy to do what I am doing without absolutely believing and knowing, that this is what God, very clearly, asked me to do, so...What is a man to do?

I would ask you to consider not only the challenges women in ministry continue to face but the challenges that their husbands face as well.

Pastors: If you know a woman in ministry, seek out her husband. Provide the support, accountability, and spiritual guidance that he needs from another man. His wife might be the pastor, but he is still called to be the spiritual leader in his home. A pastor's wife will always seek out and find others to support her, a pastor's husband is a whole different thing.

Men of the church: Support this man. Give him a place to vent. Never refer to him as so and so's husband. He has his own identity and place in ministry. Respect the fact that he is supporting the call God has placed on his wife's life and that he and his entire family have been called along with her. It takes a special kind of man to agree to go along for this ride!

Men/husbands: You have been called along with your spouse. The part you play will not be the one she does, but you are nevertheless called along with her, as is your family. Find ways to support her as her husband and as a family.

Finally,

Veteran Women in Ministry: Reach out to your younger sister's, most especially those who are married. It is one thing to be a second career pastor (your spouse did not exactly sign up for this when they married you), it is something else all together when the second career pastor is the wife. You and your spouse have spent year's navigating these waters and can be a wonderful source of support both individually and as a couple.

I am sure this list will grow and develop over the years, but this is a start!

Lots of news...

About two months ago I shared that I had a looming deadline to turn in my ordination paperwork to the District Committee on Ordained Ministry in the UMC in order to be approved to appear before the Conference Board next Spring. That Board will determine whether or not I am commissioned as an appointed elder in the UMC. The good news is even in the middle of a semester I was able to meet their deadline and turned in no less than 72 pages and passed their interview process. Yay!

Just last week I finished another semester (two more to go). This summer and fall will be the last. Come December I will be a Master of Divinity, HA!

Something else quite significant happened last week as well. I was appointed as a part-time pastor to Martha Brown United Methodist Church in East Atlanta Village. Although it is part-time I am the only pastor. My first Sunday is June 27. I am so humbled by this high privilege and pray God will use me in mighty ways. There are some exciting and wonderful things going on there and I look forward to being a part of what God is doing in and through the people of MBUMC and the community.

What I have learned in the last three years of ministry while being a seminary student has value beyond measure. God has taught me so much about who I am, who God is, and who God created me to be. He has taught me about need, and lack, and want, temptation, provision, and providence, grace, love, and power. Some of it I learned in books, most of it I learned in life, by reaching out, by being obedient even when I didn't want to, by looking up, by falling on my face before God. I learned so much in the despair of a late night cancer diagnosis, the desperate cries of parents watching their baby die, the prayers prayed aloud in multiple languages in the frenzy of a hospital trauma room, the praises sung to God in a dirt floor church in Mexico, the tears in the eyes of young Palestinian woman in a souk in Jordan, and so, so, so much more.

God is amazing. God's power, grace, and love are matchless. To God be the glory. Now and forever. Amen!

She's gonna die?

What a revelation...well we are all going to die right? We just don't think about it every day. Should we? If we did would we live differently? This was something we discussed in an ethics class I took on death and dying. In order to die well do we all need to be living well? I think so. Yes, we will all die a bodily death, but will we die well?

This was a topic of conversation this week in my house. Our nine year old dog has been sick and we found out she has kidney disease. Our time with her is more limited than we previously had thought. Honestly this is the absolute sweetest, most obedient dog I have ever encountered. It has broken my heart to see her in pain and suffering. I have become an amateur veterinarian trying to help her feel better. She has been refusing to eat or drink for a week now and ate little to nothing the week before. I have been giving her a liter of fluids a day through an i.v. that I have to put in every morning. Talk about doing something you never thought you would or could do. But man I love this dog! We sit by the front door and watch the birds and squirrels while I pet and stroke her and tell her how sweet and good she is. It takes time for a whole liter of fluids to empty, but it is quality time. Time I am forced to slow down...time I wished I had taken before now.

How much do we take for granted daily because we think we have tomorrow or that we will get around to it. When pressed, when whatever it is we take for granted is threatened to be taken away we hold on for dear life! Suddenly our priorities are realigned.

When I told my 11 and 7 year old about our dog there were a lot of tears. My 11 year old asked repeatedly, "she's gonna die? she's gonna die?" It seemed almost ridiculous to me listening to her. My reply was, "of course she is honey, we are all going to die, she is just going to die sooner than we thought in a way we did not expect." But of course that was the reaction. Somehow death takes us by surprise. I wonder why?

Could it be because God created us to live forever? Perhaps this piece of who He created us to be is so much a part of who we are that despite the Fall and all of the goodness of God and His original intent that has gone astray, this bent toward eternity remains? What else does?

As Christians could we talk about death more? The spiritual death and resurrection in our baptisms? The echoes of the here, but not yet, of the kingdom of God. Eternal life that begins the day we unite our lives with God in Christ, not in another time and place.

Christ's death, conquered death, for all time, when he rose again, restoring and redeeming God's intent for humanity.

Suffering of any kind is difficult to witness. Even after my chaplaincy expereince in a children's hospital I cannot fathom how a parent can even breathe when their child is severely injured or chronically ill. What I do know is that in loving and supporting these families it was easier. In sharing with others what God has graciously and generously given to me, it was easier. The human emotion of compassion is not possible unless it is a reponse to suffering. What do we do with that?
Don't take a day for granted. Live like you are dying...you are, well at least your body is, and life as you know it is temporary, how temporary no one knows except God Himself.

Live well, that you might die well.

Making disciples

I have been meeting with the same group of men for the last 33 weeks. Men? you say. Well it didn't start out that way but that is how it ended up! We have been working our way through the Bible and God has done some amazing things in us. We have prayed together, confessed our sins and shortcomings, sung praises, written hymns of praise, encouraged one another, discovered our God given gifts together, written our own statement of faith, acted out the scriptures, and so much more. I have been blessed and humbled to be called "teacher" by these men and can't wait to see what God does next in their lives.

It has not been easy to lead this class, being a full time student, mother of two, and working two part time jobs, but it has been incredibly rewarding to pour out all that God is pouring into me. That is what He calls each of us to do...love one another...obedience has been a big part of this. I never would have chosen the path I am on now, but I have chosen to be obedient to God's call. Honestly it is a choice that has been sometimes difficult to persevere in, while at the same time I don't know how I could ever not. I am not sure if that makes sense to everyone.

We all prayed over on another tonight. They prayed over me last, these men, and I wept at what they had to say. Amazing! Every second worth it if I can point lives to Christ so that they might in turn go and do the same.

Go make disciples!

Absent but Present

Where have you been? you might say. Well I have been and will continue to be a bit busy for the next few weeks. Well, busier than usual. A few weeks ago I went before the District Committee on Ordination for my recertification interview for my candidacy for elder in the United Methodist Church. That all went fine but I was asked to have all of my paperwork for the Board of Ordained Ministry for the Conference in to them in six weeks. This was a shock. I will not be eligible to go before the BOM until this time next Spring. The BOM is expecting my paperwork in January, so I thought I had all summer to work on it when my course load is lighter, etc. Well, the District Board told us they wanted to look at it by April 19.

What they are asking for is this: Answers to 11 theology and doctrine questions, a 4-6 week bible study curriculum, a sermon for Advent, and answers to 8-9 (need to check) questions on leading a called and disciplined life. No small feat! My work will determine whether they give me the go ahead to appear before the Conference Board. Soooo, in the midst of taking 4 classes (one of which is Biblical Hebrew, HELLO!) and working two part time jobs, being mom to 2 kids and wife to Marten, I have my hands more than full. Seriously I don't have a life right now.

I am posting the theology and doctrine questions today. I will post the called and disciplined ones in the next week sometime. Why don't you all give me all the answers and we will call it good? ;)Prayers would be appreciated, for the Holy Spirit to guide my work and provide the words, for the energy to get this done, and for peace and assurance, that what I produce will be good enough.

a) Describe your personal experience of God and the understanding of God you derive from biblical, theological, and historical sources.

b) What is your understanding of evil as it exists in the world?
c) What is your understanding of humanity, and the human need for divine grace?
d) How do you interpret the statement Jesus Christ is Lord?
e) What is your conception of the activity of the Holy Spirit in personal faith, in the community of believers, and in responsible living in the world?

f) What is your understanding of the kingdom of God; the Resurrection; eternal life?
g) How do you intend to affirm, teach, and apply Part II of the Discipline (Doctrinal Standards and Our Theological Task) in your work in the ministry to which you have been called?

h) The United Methodist Church holds that the living core of the Christian faith was revealed in Scripture, illumined by tradition, vivified in personal experience, and confirmed by reason. What is your understanding of this theological position of the Church?
i) Describe the nature and mission of the Church. What are its primary tasks today?
j) Discuss your understanding of the primary characteristics of United Methodist polity.


k) How do you perceive yourself, your gifts, your motives, your role, and your commitment as a probationary member and commissioned minister in the United Methodist Church?

l) Describe your understanding of diakonia, the servant ministry of the church, and the servant ministry of the probationary member and commissioned minister.

m) What is the meaning of ordination in the context of the general ministry of the church?
o) You have agreed as a candidate for the sake of the mission of Jesus Christ in the world and the most effective witness of the gospel, and in consideration of their influence as ministers, to make a complete dedication of yourself to the highest ideals of the Christian life, and to this end agree to exercise responsible self-control by personal habits conducive to bodily health, mental and emotional maturity, integrity in all personal relationships, fidelity in marriage and celibacy in singleness, social responsibility and growth in grace and the knowledge and love of God. What is your understanding of this agreement?

p) Explain the significance of the sacraments in the ministry to which you have been called.

igod, the compilation

I remember listening to albums, yup those big vinyl things, when I was a kid. I would find one with a song that I loved and I would play that song over and over again, I would play a short part and write down the words, then play another part and write down the words, until I had the whole thing written down and I could sing every word. Thinking back I was never the kind to buy an album and just listen to that one song, no, I would make, yup make, myself listen to the others, the ones I had never heard before, the ones they weren't playing on the radio, and I would listen and learn those too. I was invested in that album!

Thing is today, with ipods and the like, we can download just the songs we like without ever buying an entire album. What are we missing out on? I am sure the artist would like for us to listen to those songs too. To download those too. I wonder about myself. I have stopped buying the whole album. How have I been affected by this cultural shift?

I say all of this because like the ipod/itunes phenomena, people are tending more and more to pick what they want of God and His word and leave the rest. And isn't that just part and parcel to our society? I will pick what I like and what I don't, I have no use for. We only want what will make us feel good about ourselves, not what will challenge or shape or mold us.

Now at the second Sunday in Lent this seems poignant. As a Christian we cannot get away from the cross of Christ. What I mean to say is, many do not want to consider the cross, or what put Christ there, or that we are called to take up that same cross if we are to follow him and that cross was the instrument of suffering and pain. God did not spare His own son that suffering, why should we be any different? Yes, Jesus paid the price, he took the penalty for us but he also calls us to follow him and that following requires death in a sense, death to ourselves and our own wants and desires, death that will lead to new life in him, reconciliation with the Father, and a new heart with new desires far bigger than ourselves and our microscopic views of the world and our place in it.

The season of Lent is meant to be a time of reflection and preparation, of clearing away all that keeps us from approaching the throne of grace freely and unhindered. It is meant to be a time spent in prayer and in fasting, preparing to go to the cross with Christ so that we might get to Easter and resurrection on the other side. You see without the cross there is no resurrection. Without the B side there is no album, just some random songs that leave us where they found us instead of pulling us outside of our comfort zone, outside of what feels good, sounds good, and instead changes us, challenges us, and grows us into the people God created us to be.

Those popular favorites just wouldn't be the same without the B side. It was all part of the artist's work. It all hung together. One informs the other and one brings greater meaning to the other. I know this is true of the entirety of scripture and of God. Take all of Him. Write down the words. Memorize them. Learn the tune. Sing it loud!

Begin again...

Tomorrow starts a new semester, my last spring semester at Asbury. Next year at this time I will be done. I truly have loved seminary. I have always loved being a student anyway, but seminary has been incredible. To have the opportunity to learn what I have from some pretty incredible people doing awesome kingdom work as well as to learn from some on fire brothers and sisters, that have been my classmates has been an honor.
It has been incredibly challenging to be a full time graduate student along with working and being mom to two young girls. It has taught me so much, not only in book knowledge, but mostly in who I am and who I am not, who God created me to be. I have learned about my gifts and I have learned about my weak places. I have learned so much about who I am because I have learned more about who God is and frankly as my Creator he knows me better than anyone else. This "knowing" has less to do with books and more to do with absolute reliance on him to carry me through this process. Honestly, I never imagined, at any point in my life, doing what I do now and will do to a greater degree as time goes by. I have tried to resist,made lots of excuses, because, really none of this is easy, but at the same time the rewards are immeasurable and eternal,so how could it not be awesomely wonderful?

I have always been so excited to start a new semester, hungry to know more as soon as possible. This is the first time I don't feel that. I don't know if I am just worn out or if it is the thought of finishing that causes me to hesitate. If you are reading this, say a prayer for endurance to finish the race that has been set before me. Thank you!

Haiti, Conan, and Me-itis

Still face down in bed and half awake Saturday morning, my eyes opened. First thought in my head, no lie, was this; what if I was waking up in Haiti this morning on the hard ground? outside? What would I tell my children, our home gone, death all around us, hunger, illness, anger, loss? What if I didn't know where the next meal was coming from or if my injuries would heal?
The fact is you don't have to suffer a natural disaster to have these very same questions in plenty of places in the world. How do these people know that God is good? That God is love? Then you have nut cases like Pat Robertson saying Haiti got what it deserved....excuse me?

We are so far removed. Our hearts are so hard! We are so incredibly narcissistic.
This discussion launched last week when I posted a "status update" on Facebook that suggested that Conan should take the $45 million and give it to Haiti because someone else will be offering him a ridiculous salary next week.

Comments were that Conan should buy himself an "icecream" first, and empathy over the fact that he lost his "dream job" and wasn't he only scripturally bound to give his 10%?

My reply was that Conan could buy himself and everyone else in his life an icecream and never miss the $45 million. I was certain that Jesus would have forgone the "icecream" to feed some hungry, sick, homeless, grief stricken people.

This is the thing. We are so me oriented in the West particularly that we think someone else will do it, and I deserve this, I earned it, worked for it, it is my dream, me, me, me, my, my, my, I, I, I

From where I sit, God created us each with unique gifts to use for His purposes, not for my own. If we worked for it, it was because He gave us the strength and ability to do so. Do we play no part? That's not what I am saying. What I am saying is we take far to much credit.
Some are given little and they have many fewer choices in life. In some ways life is simpler. But to him whom much is given much is expected! I am not saying Conan is bad if he doesn't give all his money to help Haiti or anyone else for that matter, but that we all only NEED so much. The rest is what we WANT. How much should we indulge our WANTS and at whose expense?

There will always be people that take advantage of handouts and handups but at the end of the day it is about the condition of the heart of the giver, not so much what is done with the gift.

One of the bestselling books in Christianity today is Victoria Osteen's "Love Your Life" and her husband's "Your Best Life" continues to be on the bestseller list. That says a whole stinkin' lot about the state of Christianity in this country. Last time I checked Jesus said in all 4 of the gospels that those who love their lives and try to save their lives will lose them, but if they lose them for him only then will they be truly found.

God is good, God is love, and He looks to His children to show the world that this is so!

I'm sure there is more I should say, but it probably wouldn't be very nice :)
Your comments and questions however are always welcome!

The Lord's Supper Rant

I am on campus at Asbury Theological Seminary this week for a class on the sacraments called "Sacramental Theology". The sacraments recognized in the Methodist Church are those of the Lord's Supper and Baptism. A sacrament is defined as an outward sign of an inward grace. An interesting tidbit for your information the Catholic Church actually recognizes 7 sacraments. For the purposes of this post, however, I will focus specifically on the Lord's Supper.

I have the privilege of teaching a new member class once a month at my home church and ensconced in our discussion are the understanding and participation in the sacraments. I love these discussions, but they are only the tip of the iceberg for understanding just what these are and what they mean. The unfortunate thing is this understanding is so lacking in the Church at large in something so rich with meaning and grace! This sign and means of grace must be taught and understood in new ways in the church today, rather than being seen as a mere ritual or tradition lacking truly significant meaning.

In the last two weeks, ironically or not, I have had some unfortunate experiences with the sacrament of the Lord's Supper and they left me feeling hurt for Jesus frankly.
I attended a church I don't normally attend because people are "flocking" there. I had to see what all of the fuss was about. The worship set was good, the messsage was ok, and the Lord's Supper was served BUT there was no explanation of what we were doing, except to say Christ said to do this in remembrance of me. That was it and there is sooooo much more! Also disturbing was the lack of direction as to when to take the bread and wine/juice. Literally everyone was looking around at each other thinking, when do we do this? I honestly was so disturbed I wanted to cry. This is not the way it is supposed to be!

When we take the bread and juice we are taking into ourselves the body and blood of Christ, the body that was broken for us, the blood that was shed for us, the one loaf that we all share as a symbol of the body of Christ and the body of Christ his people gathered together. When we take these things into ourselves we do so in Thanksgiving for who Christ is and what God has done through him, then we do so in Repentance knowing that we are all sinners in need of a savior, confessing our insufficiency, and as we do so we join in Christ's suffering because without the suffering, without the cross, without his death and without our own, we cannot experience the resurrection. Again, this is just the tip of the iceberg here.

The other unfortunate thing was a discussion on how it was difficult to "work" communion into a service because it needed to flow well and it might not fit with the message. Wow! and Ouch! From where I am sitting, taking part in the Lord's Supper is an act of worship, of thanksgiving, of the body of Christ together taking part in the body of Christ. It is God's action and our response. It is the centerpiece of the Christian faith. Why is it difficult to "work" it in?

I would love to hear your comments!