I confess. I don't know how to "be" a pastor. Well maybe that is not all true. There are a lot of connotations that come along with the title pastor and I don't fit many of them. I have blogged before about the fact that I do not desire, ever, to possess the "pastoral mystique", you know, that untouchable, unapproachable aura. Oops I used the word aura and pastor in the same sentence. See what I mean?
I make faces from the pulpit. I wave to my kids, blow kisses and wrinkle my nose when I don't approve of their behavior, well not during the sermon, but during worship nevertheless. I can't sing worth a lick except in the car by myself. Put a microphone in front of my face while I am singing and you will be sorry! Really! My reportoire of hymns is minimal at best. I know far more contemporary worship songs. I have yet to master my preacher voice or prayer voice. I should have one right?
I don't know how to guard my reaction when someone says something hurtful to me about myself or my family (people forget you are a human being somehow).
I don't know how to not weep openly for the dullness of hearts and ears to the gospel message when I encounter people who call Christ their savior and crucify him over and over again with their actions.
I don't fit a lot of people's ideas of what/who a pastor is, at least by appearances.
What picture do you paint when you think of who/what a pastor is? I'm clumsily trying to figure it out.
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Monday, September 6, 2010
One more time...
Tomorrow is the first day of my last semester of seminary. On December 10 I will graduate with my Masters of Divinity. It has been quite the journey over the last 3 years. For those of you who do not know an MDIV is not your regular master's degree. An MDIV at Asbury actually requires 96 credit hours, to my knowledge the highest requirement for any seminary in the country. Anyway...
God has amazed me with His faithfulness over the four years since He called me to this journey. Just recalling it all brings me close to tears. I remembered sensing that this was in His plan and literally sneaking to look online at seminary websites, thinking I had to be out of my mind to think Marten would ever go along with this. Bottom line is I thought God was a little crazy to think this could ever happen, work, etc. I mean didn't He know who I was? I am so not worthy, so inadequate and incapable, and sinner, well, I am one of the greatest. And then there was the fact that I was mom to two little girls. Sierra was 3 and Ariana was 7. Oh and then there was the fact that Marten had already supported my going back to school once, how could I dare to ask for that again? And then there was the fact that Marten had been a believer all of a year and a half. HA! Like he would go for being a pastor's husband! God had to be completely out of His mind to call me to this! And then there was the money. How on earth were we supposed to afford $4000+ a semester?
Well it is four years since God called, so clearly, it was absolutely undeniable, I answered against all odds, started 9 months later, and here I am. There is a whole lot more to that story. It has certainly not been happy trails and smooth sailing. We have weathered two job losses for Marten, major health problems, surgery, hospitalization, concerns with Ariana, a myriad of financial challenges, heartbreaks, disappointments, amazing mission trips to Mexico and Jordan, a wedding, two funerals, so many new kinds of normal, so much more.
God is sooooo amazing. I know He can do far more than we can ever ask or imagine. I know God is faithful. I know His plans and purposes will be fulfilled we need only open ourselves to the possibilities and be His ready instruments. I know God provides. I have seen it time and again when things seemed absolutely impossible.
I confess I am tired! I have gone straight through,no breaks, every semester, mini semester, summer, etc. Along with two part time jobs, two little girls, and a husband that has been neglected more than I care to admit. It has been exhilarating and exhausting. So many highs and lows. I have learned so much,not all in books, a lot about myself, others, but mostly about my God.
So, onward. I see a light at the end of the tunnel! Big giant thank yous to all of my prayer warriors (don't stop now), to my encouragers, and those who for some reason see something in me I do not see in myself. I could not have done it without every single one of you. Consider this your invitation to the impending birth. One of the biggest labors of love is about to be born!
God has amazed me with His faithfulness over the four years since He called me to this journey. Just recalling it all brings me close to tears. I remembered sensing that this was in His plan and literally sneaking to look online at seminary websites, thinking I had to be out of my mind to think Marten would ever go along with this. Bottom line is I thought God was a little crazy to think this could ever happen, work, etc. I mean didn't He know who I was? I am so not worthy, so inadequate and incapable, and sinner, well, I am one of the greatest. And then there was the fact that I was mom to two little girls. Sierra was 3 and Ariana was 7. Oh and then there was the fact that Marten had already supported my going back to school once, how could I dare to ask for that again? And then there was the fact that Marten had been a believer all of a year and a half. HA! Like he would go for being a pastor's husband! God had to be completely out of His mind to call me to this! And then there was the money. How on earth were we supposed to afford $4000+ a semester?
Well it is four years since God called, so clearly, it was absolutely undeniable, I answered against all odds, started 9 months later, and here I am. There is a whole lot more to that story. It has certainly not been happy trails and smooth sailing. We have weathered two job losses for Marten, major health problems, surgery, hospitalization, concerns with Ariana, a myriad of financial challenges, heartbreaks, disappointments, amazing mission trips to Mexico and Jordan, a wedding, two funerals, so many new kinds of normal, so much more.
God is sooooo amazing. I know He can do far more than we can ever ask or imagine. I know God is faithful. I know His plans and purposes will be fulfilled we need only open ourselves to the possibilities and be His ready instruments. I know God provides. I have seen it time and again when things seemed absolutely impossible.
I confess I am tired! I have gone straight through,no breaks, every semester, mini semester, summer, etc. Along with two part time jobs, two little girls, and a husband that has been neglected more than I care to admit. It has been exhilarating and exhausting. So many highs and lows. I have learned so much,not all in books, a lot about myself, others, but mostly about my God.
So, onward. I see a light at the end of the tunnel! Big giant thank yous to all of my prayer warriors (don't stop now), to my encouragers, and those who for some reason see something in me I do not see in myself. I could not have done it without every single one of you. Consider this your invitation to the impending birth. One of the biggest labors of love is about to be born!
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