I know those of you reading this might be thinking, "I wish she would finish this chaplaincy thing so we can stop talking about pain, suffering, trials, etc.", but that is where I am and this is quite cathartic. All told I have 3 more duty shifts and 3 more weeks of clinical hours, one duty shift tonight and 2 next week (not sure how I am going to survive that!). I wanted to share a reflection on suffereing that was shared with me. It is by Carlo Carretto and it is called "Why, O Lord?" Carretto was born in 1910 in northern Italy and was a key figure in Catholic Action, a group organized to mobilize the laity to action in advancing the religious and social message of the church. Later he joined the Little Brothers a group of contemplatives in the desert. Carretto has been likened to St. Francis of Assisi and his message on suffering is poignant.
This is one part of the mystery of suffering:
God permitsit.
God wounds me.
God destroys my harvests.
God rages in the storm.
God leads me to my death.
But precisely in wounding me (God) draws out the best in me.
If I were not woulded--how unbearable I should be in my fiendish security! How sure of myself!
Wounded, I remain calm and learn to weep. Weeping I learn to understand others, I learn the blessedness of poverty.
This is a fact.
If human beings had no pain, were never pushed to the limits of endurance, how hard it would be for them to enter the road to salvation!
If the Israelites had enjoyed freedom in Egypt, Moses could never have persuaded them to attempt the march of liberation.
If the desert had been full of beguiling oases instead of snakes, hunger and thirst, they would never have reached the Promised Land.
No spur can move us towards tomorrow more effectively than suffering.
"Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men so that you will not grow weary and lose heart." Hebrews 12:3
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Holy Hangover!
Well, more on Easter. All of the pastor people I know are riding high from their Easter's. One guy I love out of Washington baptized over 300 people in all of their Easter services. Crazy! Well all told they do have several campuses and had a total of 20 services but still, that is more than 10 people a service!
What was your Easter like?
I was beyond exhausted from a Friday duty shift at the hospital, sister's wedding last weekend, Sierra's sixth birthday, and school, work, etc. Need I go on? Seriously I think I half cried through most of the service I attended and was incredibly moved when 3 young men were baptized. Wow! In the midst of it I thought, wow, I get to do that some day. I want to do that a lot. These are eternity changing events. This is awesome. It's kind of how I felt when I told it like it was in the hospital a few weeks ago and the Spirit really moved. I want more. This is intoxicating and addictive and there is nothing else on this planet like it. God is so amazing!
Tell me about your Easter!
What was your Easter like?
I was beyond exhausted from a Friday duty shift at the hospital, sister's wedding last weekend, Sierra's sixth birthday, and school, work, etc. Need I go on? Seriously I think I half cried through most of the service I attended and was incredibly moved when 3 young men were baptized. Wow! In the midst of it I thought, wow, I get to do that some day. I want to do that a lot. These are eternity changing events. This is awesome. It's kind of how I felt when I told it like it was in the hospital a few weeks ago and the Spirit really moved. I want more. This is intoxicating and addictive and there is nothing else on this planet like it. God is so amazing!
Tell me about your Easter!
Monday, April 13, 2009
New Life
It's Easter, well not techinically anymore because it is after midnight, but nevertheless Easter. Today we celebrate the resurrection of our risen Lord, the forgiver of our sins, and Savior of our souls. In Him we are afforded new life, a blank slate, a new beginning. So what are you doing with that new beginning? I have lots of thoughts on what I need to do differently, more intentionally or better. The hope and promise that we are reminded of today brings some clarity for me with it. I have been so exhausted and overwhelmed with my many responsibilities this semester I think I have done nothing 100 % and that is totally out of character for me. There is so much I want to do that I simply don't have time for. I feel like I am being pulled in so many directions, my heart is being pulled in so many directions, and I just don't know where to turn first. I am praying for clarity. I am praying to be still. I am praying...
I'm conflicted. The whole chaplaincy experience has been so hard, well particularly the part concerning children, but I know that when I walk out of that hospital for the last time I will miss it. A few things I do know: When I am there I am fully surrendered to God like no other place. I am very vulnerable and fully reliant. Result? I know God can use me. I know that I am meeting people at some of the hardest times in their lives. At possibly their greatest point of need and questioning about who God is, where He is, searching for meaning. I know God uses people everywhere but I guess things just aren't that in your face everyday. People are not normally so vulnerable in everyday. Not quite so reachable. Far more challenging in many ways. Hard as it is I will miss these opportunities. I am praying God gives me more. That I can be faithful in the small things so that He will trust me with some bigger ones. Amen!
He is risen!
I'm conflicted. The whole chaplaincy experience has been so hard, well particularly the part concerning children, but I know that when I walk out of that hospital for the last time I will miss it. A few things I do know: When I am there I am fully surrendered to God like no other place. I am very vulnerable and fully reliant. Result? I know God can use me. I know that I am meeting people at some of the hardest times in their lives. At possibly their greatest point of need and questioning about who God is, where He is, searching for meaning. I know God uses people everywhere but I guess things just aren't that in your face everyday. People are not normally so vulnerable in everyday. Not quite so reachable. Far more challenging in many ways. Hard as it is I will miss these opportunities. I am praying God gives me more. That I can be faithful in the small things so that He will trust me with some bigger ones. Amen!
He is risen!
Thursday, April 2, 2009
Who God is and who we are wherever we go...
More about chaplaincy. I wish I could say it is getting easier. What I can say is that I am understanding more, mostly about myself. When I am at the hospital I feel completely out of control. It is then that I am fully submitted and fully rely on God like no other. At home I feel so much more in control and control I do. A very wise person suggested that in both places I am the same person and in both places God is God. I just need to take some of what I experience in the hospital into all the other places in my life. Total submission and reliance on God. I need to live like that every day!
May it be so!
May it be so!
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
I know I've said this before but WOW!
I'm beat. I am ready for this semester to be over and I am only half way there! I do only have about 5 more weeks of oncalls at the hospital so there is an end in sight. One of the most frustrating things about my schedule this semester is the serious lack of time to just sit into anything. I feel like I am constantly being washed over and I am just trying to process every chance I get. Nearly impossible at the pace I am going.
Marten started a new job Monday which is good and bad but a job none the less. It obviously makes the logistics with the girls a bit more complicated. It gives us all less time together. I can't wait for summer!
So Monday, mysterious lights come on in my van and long story short we need a new transmission, not an inexpensive venture. I start stressing and really don't want to call Marten to tell him about the $5000 price tag. But then I get perspective. I am reminded of how insignificant this in the big picture. I am reminded of the pain and suffering and loss I see every day at the hospital and I am ok. I am usually the uptight one so after Marten gets over the initial shock he is ok too. We even laugh. So guess what? We find out yesterday that Honda is going to cover the whole thing and that we have to pay 0. Yup! Amazing. But that was late yesterday. The first part of the day was even more awesome.
I was doing my clinical rounds and was intentional about visiting a patient and family that had just been moved to my floor from the PICU. They have been at the hospital for nearly a month and had spent some time with the Staff chaplain on the PICU. The whole exchange was wonderful. I could have stayed all day. There were so many questions and God was doing so much in the room it was bulging at the corners with the work of the Holy Spirit. I am sitting there listening thinking I can't believe I get to be here for this. This is incredible.
There was so much searching going on. Mom calls herself a Christian and refers to her father's pentecostal background but she is not sure who Jesus is. Is he the great prophet that Jews and Muslims recognize or is he the Son of God. I was taken aback, thinking how could someone hear good preaching and read the Bible and not know. Biting my tongue I listened far more than I spoke. Before I left I prayed with the patient and with mom at bedside for continued healing and I asked God to continue to reveal who He was and to answer the questions being asked. When I finished I told mom that I would not normally tell her such a thing (because of our efforts to be interfaith and support the faith traditions of the people we minister to), then affirmed that Jesus is called a great prophet by all the major religions. She agreed. At the same time Jesus tells us who he is in the Bible. He says he is the Son of God. He either is who he says he is, Lord, or he was lying, Liar, or he was crazy, Lunatic. So he was either Lord, Liar, or Lunatic. You and God have to work that out so you can decide for yourself. She immediately grabbed me and hugged me for a solid one to two minutes. As she pulled away she had tears in her eyes and her son asked what's wrong with you, in a tone that most 13 year olds would use. She said something like you know when you just feel like God sent you an angel to answer your questions and show you he is here? He nodded. She said that's what I feel just happened. I smiled. She thanked me and I said I would check back on on them when I was back at the hospital.
WOW!
John 10:35-37 (New International Version)
35If he called them 'gods,' to whom the word of God came—and the Scripture cannot be broken— 36what about the one whom the Father set apart as his very own and sent into the world? Why then do you accuse me of blasphemy because I said, 'I am God's Son'? 37Do not believe me unless I do what my Father does.
Marten started a new job Monday which is good and bad but a job none the less. It obviously makes the logistics with the girls a bit more complicated. It gives us all less time together. I can't wait for summer!
So Monday, mysterious lights come on in my van and long story short we need a new transmission, not an inexpensive venture. I start stressing and really don't want to call Marten to tell him about the $5000 price tag. But then I get perspective. I am reminded of how insignificant this in the big picture. I am reminded of the pain and suffering and loss I see every day at the hospital and I am ok. I am usually the uptight one so after Marten gets over the initial shock he is ok too. We even laugh. So guess what? We find out yesterday that Honda is going to cover the whole thing and that we have to pay 0. Yup! Amazing. But that was late yesterday. The first part of the day was even more awesome.
I was doing my clinical rounds and was intentional about visiting a patient and family that had just been moved to my floor from the PICU. They have been at the hospital for nearly a month and had spent some time with the Staff chaplain on the PICU. The whole exchange was wonderful. I could have stayed all day. There were so many questions and God was doing so much in the room it was bulging at the corners with the work of the Holy Spirit. I am sitting there listening thinking I can't believe I get to be here for this. This is incredible.
There was so much searching going on. Mom calls herself a Christian and refers to her father's pentecostal background but she is not sure who Jesus is. Is he the great prophet that Jews and Muslims recognize or is he the Son of God. I was taken aback, thinking how could someone hear good preaching and read the Bible and not know. Biting my tongue I listened far more than I spoke. Before I left I prayed with the patient and with mom at bedside for continued healing and I asked God to continue to reveal who He was and to answer the questions being asked. When I finished I told mom that I would not normally tell her such a thing (because of our efforts to be interfaith and support the faith traditions of the people we minister to), then affirmed that Jesus is called a great prophet by all the major religions. She agreed. At the same time Jesus tells us who he is in the Bible. He says he is the Son of God. He either is who he says he is, Lord, or he was lying, Liar, or he was crazy, Lunatic. So he was either Lord, Liar, or Lunatic. You and God have to work that out so you can decide for yourself. She immediately grabbed me and hugged me for a solid one to two minutes. As she pulled away she had tears in her eyes and her son asked what's wrong with you, in a tone that most 13 year olds would use. She said something like you know when you just feel like God sent you an angel to answer your questions and show you he is here? He nodded. She said that's what I feel just happened. I smiled. She thanked me and I said I would check back on on them when I was back at the hospital.
WOW!
John 10:35-37 (New International Version)
35If he called them 'gods,' to whom the word of God came—and the Scripture cannot be broken— 36what about the one whom the Father set apart as his very own and sent into the world? Why then do you accuse me of blasphemy because I said, 'I am God's Son'? 37Do not believe me unless I do what my Father does.
Saturday, March 14, 2009
Something I will not soon forget
I had to witness something horrible yesterday. I watched a baby dying. I am still trying to shake some images and sounds from my mind. One of the hardest things is realizing that it happens everyday, several times a day, all over the world. The grief and loss and the things people say in trying to make sense of it all is really something to hear. It is amazing the strength that some people have. It is amazing the way that people can come together during such a time. This is what I have been called and have committed to be a part of and present for as a chaplain. While this is something that I am doing this semester it is in a sense something I have committed to doing for a lifetime when I said yes to God and His call on me. Wow, that's a revelation! While death in the physical sense may not be so in my face on a regular basis, it certainly will be, and is, in the spiritual sense. People are dying every day and some of them don't even know it. It is very interesting to see how those who have faith grounded in God and His promises weather these times versus those who do not have a faith grounded in God. I am intrigued by what propels people forward and keeps them fighting for the next day, the next breath. Hope is so instrumental in all of this. That is what my message was about last week in my sermon at the hospital. Hope gives us a reason to live but at the same time this hope can be a reason to let go. The promise of eternity with no more pain, tears, hunger, but instead peace, rest, love, worship, beauty. The hope that we can find in the eyes of another, in the prayers of another, those can propel us forward. The hope found in those who have walked this hard road before and survived. The hope that can be found in the new beginning afforded us by Jesus.
My message was about planting and nurturing seeds of hope. Being seeds of hope to others and nurturing hope in others. In the end we can all feast on the harvest of the hope we have nurtured and grown. In the meantime some of us might be chucking rocks and pulling weeds, others of us watering and feeding. We all have a part to play. Live into it. Share your seeds of hope, share your harvest. Let's all sit down at a feast of thanksgiving together.
My message was about planting and nurturing seeds of hope. Being seeds of hope to others and nurturing hope in others. In the end we can all feast on the harvest of the hope we have nurtured and grown. In the meantime some of us might be chucking rocks and pulling weeds, others of us watering and feeding. We all have a part to play. Live into it. Share your seeds of hope, share your harvest. Let's all sit down at a feast of thanksgiving together.
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